BOOK THEORY: The Harry Potter series
by dlahm17
Summary: Could Magic be possible in real life? What are the implications of things happening in the Harry Potter world? And how greasy is Snape's nose? All questions must be answered in this series of theories on the World of Harry Potter. This is a parody of MatPat's Game Theory, and a tribute to all he's done. Get your minds ready for some science .
1. Magic spells IRL

A/N: this is a parody and a tribute to the popular youtube series: Game Theory. This is not an actual Game Theory, is not by MatPat, Gaijin Goomba, Ronnie, or any other theorist promoted by the show. Please enjoy.

"Stupefy! Stupefy! Stupefy!" I had yelled about back when I was a child reading the Harry Potter books, waving around a tiny wand I had made myself. Casting spells was the best thing that I could ever think of doing, and magic mystified me. But with science making advances, could what happens in the Harry Potter universe really be done in real life? Or is it still magic to us.

This is Book Theory! The only fanfiction story that is not a story, but a discussion that shamelessly rips off Game Theory.

Could Magical spells from the Harry Potter books and movies really be done in real life? Or is it a ton of Hocus Pocus. Well let's just first discuss a few things about magic itself.

When talking about magic the dictionary definition is: "The power of apparently influencing the course of events by using mysterious or supernatural forces." This is exactly on par with how J.K. Rowling shows her magic in the book, offering no scientific explanation for any of the magics that Harry, Ron, or Hermione do in classes. And the definition from the Harry Potter wiki states: "[Magic is] A hereditary trait that is passed down from ancestors allowing a human to alter the fabric of reality at fundamental levels."

Once again, it matches up to the dictionary definition.

Another thing to keep in mind is that when asked about her magic, Rowling states that: "I don't believe in witchcraft." "The magic in the books is 95% made up by herself." and "I use folklore to help."

So just keep that in the back of your mind, right next to that pairing from Fairy Tail or Percy Jackson that you've been so eager to post on a forum.

But what's some of the most used spells or referenced spells in the books.

1: stunning a person.

Primarily with stupefy, the stunning spell and from Harry's fifth movie quote "A wizard's bread and butter." implying it is used the most in a fight.

2: Flight on a broomstick.

While this is not done with a wand, I know that every person reading this has secretly wanted to have a firebolt or a Nimbus 2000. Or dreamed about doing a Wronski Feint themselves. Don't deny it, I have too.

3: Illumination from a wand.

lumos is one of the most used spells, ever. It turns your wand into a freaking flashlight.

And 4: Manipulating Fire.

We all loved the duel between Dumbledore and Voldemort in the fifth book, where fire was a key aspect in their fight.

* * *

1: Stunning a person.

The stunning spell is often described as a jet of red or white light, and when it hits a person they are incapacitated until it wears off or another wizard/witch uses Rennervate on you.

In real life we do have the taser, which produces and launches 50,000 volts into a person's central nervous system to cause uncontrollable contraction of the muscles. This leaves any assailant struggling to move, which matches the book description. But that is relying on an external source of energy: a battery, and not the human's energy, which is the requirement for magic in the Harry Potter universe.

We don't see Ron's wand break and a 9 volt falls out of it. Or Harry about to cast Expelliarmus in the last book and dies because he ran out of juice before fighting Voldemort.

However Humans produce energy. But...

A human can only produce 10-100 MILLIVOLTS, around 5 MILLION times smaller than the requirement to completely stop an opponent in their tracks with an electric shock. So yeah, a human can't produce that on their own, but when working out you produce more energy which can be used as heat. But we can only consume as much as we let off due to the conservation of Matter, so unless you want to be constantly chugging down Diet Cokes, that's a no go.

But Science is always improving, and workout machines have been modified to store energy made by people when working out in order to power the gym they're located in. And that energy could easily power a small taser. There's even estimates that if you could magnify how a person produces energy while working out with some sort of clothing that can do that, a human could power a computer.

So maybe, just maybe, you could work out for around a week to get a single blast from a taser in order to take out that perv who saw you working out and like how you look. But when you're taking a jog to power your apple watch, remember this theory first.

* * *

2: Flight on a broomstick.

Most of you, myself included, wanted to strap a rocket onto a broom and go play quidditch. And fundamentally this would work to achieve lift off, and burn off all your leg hair, but Harry, Ginny, all of the competitive teams, and even the Hogwarts teams all require a massive amount of control over their brooms. Doing complicated plays such as:

The Wronski feint.

Porskoff Ploy.

And a Barrel... er... Aileron roll. Okay, Game Theory proved that last one isn't exactly complicated, or helpful in a dogfight, but Harry still uses it to dodge a bludger in the fifth book.

None of your suddenly gained powers of broomstick flight will help you with a rocket powered broom. It has no way to control itself. You'll careen straight into one of the stands and shave the grease off of Snape's nose, drenching the next row of wizards.

A plane requires its wings and tail to maintain lift in the air, but a broom only has its bristles on the end. And a broom is much to small to stick the required elements on, and how would you control the individual elements anyway anyway? We don't have magic to control them in real life. That's why I'm writing this. To satisfy all of your magical boners.

And anyway, sticking wings and a tail on a broomstick would add more draft to the broom, making faster speeds much harder.

Levitation is also an idea, and possibility. Magnets have been used to make things levitate for many years now, but using magnets is not the ideal way to levitate something, especially a broomstick that is traveling at high speeds. The magnet's levitation is unstable and shaky, even at the best of times. With all of the movement, shifting weight, and complicated maneuvering you'll be doing in a quidditch match, it'll be impossible to stay upright. And you can't even control your distance from the ground, removing the 3d element of broomsticks that can fly.

Spinning the free floating magnet does work to make it stable. But the free floating magnet is your broom, and spinning constantly will make you into a flying helicopter blade. And that won't be the safest way for riding a broomstick.

So broomstick flight? not possible at this day and age. Sorry seekers, chasers, and beaters, you can't fly just yet.

* * *

3: wand illumination.

let's recap from the first topic: stunning. A human being can power small things already, using heat or their own electricity. So why not a flashlight? We have those crank lights, so why not one using your own natural energy.

This has already been invented. Flashlights that use human heat exist already, no crank needed, and it never runs out of power so long as your body remains hotter than your surroundings. (So don't stick your hands in liquid nitrogen... that's a bad idea enough without you needing light later in the day.)

At St. Michael's University School, a girl named Ann Makosinski invented a hollow flashlight that runs on human heat. It was done by utilizing thermoelectric panels on one side of the flashlight's body, and hollowing out the middle to create a heat contrast. With the heat your body makes, it contrasts with the heat around you to make energy which then powers the flashlight. The colder the area you are in, the brighter the light.

Boy wouldn't that have been useful when playing Amnesia or Slender.

So self powered light sources... check one for magic.

* * *

4: Remotely controlling fire.

Any witch or wizard who cast the Flagrate charm has the ability to draw fire in the air. The control of fire, out of all the spells, seems to be one of the coolest powers in the books. Seeing duels that use the manipulation of fire made me want to cast that spell on my little brother's door after he was teasing me for liking Harry Potter. But if this was a real life occurrence, that would be phenomenal. We won't count flamethrowers or any other thing that uses fuel for this, so that eliminates a bunch of options. And one of the only left, is pyrokinesis.

Have you ever heard of it?

It's the control of fire using your mind, exactly the same as the magic we see in Harry Potter. And hundreds of people say that they have control over fire, so it isn't exclusive either.

But they really can't.

While there's been many who say they can pull this magic trick off, none have actually been able to pull it off in front of the scientific community. Some believe that PSI powers are real, but a natural aspect of science says that the data must be recorded and repeatable. And nobody has ever done that. If someone out there believes that they can control flame, prove it in front of the scientific community. (Cause I really want to have Fiendfyre, that thing's awesome)

The other theory surrounding the manipulation of flame is that a subatomic element (called a pyrotron) is the cause of pyrokinesis and even spontaneous combustion. The theory is that this tiny element buzzes through one's atoms and if it hits a quark (the most basic part of an element) then the big bang basically happens inside of you, causing spontaneous/internal combustion of sorts. This seems to be supported by science, we can't actually see that small can we? So who's to say or not say that there's a "pyrotron" inside of us. But that's also this theory's own counterargument.

Like I said before, It must be recorded and repeatable. And we can't see that small, meaning we can't record it. Without the ability to record a pyrotron we lose all of our grounds in this theory. Even the quark is questionable as we can't see it and instead have faith that it's there, as we base a lot of other theories and laws on the existence of these particles of matter. So with two questionable subatomic elements? That's pretty much a stretch. Now add in that they have to collide and that creates a mini big bang inside of your body? Allowing you to control fire?

That's definitely not a thing.

* * *

SO! what have we covered?

1: stunning someone with your internal energy may be possible. check one for the stupefy spell.

2: Quidditch will have to wait. I'm sorry.

3: Go ahead, lumos is a real thing.

4: Until somebody proves it, the control of fire is only a myth.

* * *

But hey, that's just a theory, A BOOK THEORY! Thanks for reading.

A/N: I plan on doing more theories but I want you guys to tell me how I did. was there something I didn't cover that you wanted to see covered? or did I miss a fact that is crucial? Also, if there's any Harry Potter theories that you want to see done, please comment about them. I would love to cover those theories of yours. And as always: Have A Great Day.


	2. Brewing Potions

Little Dlahm, a first year, woke up ready for his first day at Hogwarts. He wandered down the corridors to eat in the Great Hall and get his schedule for the day. When his head of house gave him the schedule, he looked and saw what his classes would be, eager to begin. His first class: Potions with Professor Snape. He almost wet himself from excitement at the possibilities.

Dlahm raced down staircases to get to the dungeons, a dank and drafty area of the castle, and rushed to his first classroom. He was the first one there. He knocked on the door, and it opened eerily. Dlahm opened it the whole way and walked inside, and standing at his desk, was the greasy-nosed Severus Snape.

Snape was completely silent as Dlahm sat himself down at a cauldron, he was silent as the entire class filed in, and was silent as each student took his or her desk. However, once everyone was waiting for him, he began.

"You are here to learn the subtle science and exact art of potion-making," he began. He spoke in barely more than a whisper, but they caught every word. "As there is little foolish wand-waving here, many of you will hardly believe this is magic. I don't expect you will really understand the beauty of the softly simmering cauldron with its shimmering fumes, the delicate power of liquids that creep through human veins, bewitching the mind, ensnaring the senses... I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, even stopper death- if you aren't as big of bunch of dunderheads as I usually have to-"

"Sir, isn't it possible for muggles to also bottle fame, brew glory, or stopper death?"

The class stared at Dlahm, jaws dropping as he did the one thing everyone at the school knew to be heresy: interrupt Snape. Snape looked at the first year, contempt dripping from his voice, "I'm sorry, what was that Mr-?"

"Dlahm, sir. And isn't it also possible for Muggles to create potions."

Snape was taken aback by the question, is it really possible for Muggles to start potion-making? It doesn't require magic, so... Snape opened his mouth to tell the First year how much of a dunderheaded question that really was. Or was it?

* * *

Hello , welcome to Book Theory. The only story that rattles on with around three hundred words of intro just like they'd had a babbling beverage.

Now, I'm sure that I'm not the only one who has wanted to stick Veritaserum in their crush's water and ask if they liked me, (I'm also not the only one who has wondered if that would be a good idea because I'm not exactly the most attractive of people) but I'm pretty sure that you couldn't brew potions in real life as well. But like I proved last chapter, magic can be possible in real life.

Then again, is potion-making magic? Snape even says that: "there is little foolish wand-waving here" and "Many of you will hardly believe this is magic."

That's where I come in. With some research and SCIENCE! I was able to figure out some things about ingredients, brewing, and natural potions. In fact, potion-making is much easier than the magical world really knows. I bet that if I had some resources, I could make a "draught of living death" potion that could put practically anyone on Earth to sleep... so long as they make sure that they're not getting too much of it otherwise it will be the "droaught of death" and not of "living death". Which may or may not create a few problems.

Now I might leave out a few things, but this is on purpose. I do NOT promote the idea of poisoning people, this is not the reason why Book Theory exists, and I do NOT promote the killing of anything, unless it's spiders, nuke those suckers. So I may flatten out some of the details so that you don't get any ideas. (I'm just really worried my little brother will read this and poison my coffee tomorrow. Then I can't write this anymore.) Don't worry, I'm not going to leave out anything important to the theory, but some little thing that is required might be gone. Also, high doses of anything can kill somebody, so if you are stupid enough to try this (Which I DO NOT RECOMMEND AT ALL) please make sure to search up an administration chart for dosage.

ON TO THE FIRST POTION! the first potion we're brewing today is the Draught of Living Death (Yes the potion I mentioned before, just go with it) and this one isn't that hard to make. In fact you can order the main ingredient online, and it's legal. In fact, there seems to be two main ways that you can make it.

The first way is with a plant called the "Blue lotus" or "Nymphaea Caerulea". The blue lotus is an Egyptian plant that has been used in the past to create a sleep like trance state, somewhat like death. This method dates all the way back to old kingdom Egyptian times, so even though Harry Potter is based in the 80s and 90s, this method could still be used by muggles. In fact, these lotus flowers were thought to be used by the Lotus Eaters found in Homer's "The Odyssey".

What one would do is make tea with the Blue Lotus.

Odds are that this wouldn't provide the potency of the Draught of Living Death, but this will do for our muggle purposes of rudimentary potion making.

But while the Draught of Living Death is a sixth year potion, think about how hard it is to stew tea. A six year old could make this, if they had access to the Blue Lotus, and make their mom pass out.

One can also smoke the Blue Lotus, but that is a hundred times over the dosage of what is recommended to create the sleep trance, a dosage that large would murder somebody faster than Ginny could cast her traditional Bat Bogey Hex.

The second way to make the Draught of Living Death is with a root called the Valerian Root. The Valerian root is already a natural sedative used in sleeping pills today, and is potent enough to make somebody pass out at the right doses. So steeping it in tea might also be possible.

According to the movie adaptions of the Harry Potter films, the Valerian Root is even used in the Draught of Living Death.

According to the instructions:

"Chop three Valerian roots into small squared pieces. After cutting place it in a beaker with water. Leave it to settle for five minutes. Your potion should now be resembling a smooth blackcurrant-coloured liquid."

"Slowly put in seven square pieces of Valerian root."

And

"Add one small piece of Valerian root."

All of these are instructions from the movie adaptations of Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince. Odds are that the Valerian roots are doing all of the work in the potion. However, there is no mention of the Valerian root in the books.

* * *

Another potion all of you ladies (and desperate men like me) out there might like: THE LOVE POTION! Let's just start with the most powerful one we could find: Amortentia.

Also shown in The Half Blood Prince, this potion is "The most powerful love potion in the world" by creating "A powerful infatuation or obsession". By the description this appears to be a powerful aphrodisiac, or a substance that creates sexual desire in a person.

There have been many... attempts, at an aphrodisiac, including but not limited to: A mixture of Hippopotamus snout and Hyena eyes. Dried Marrow and Liver. and Prunes (Which were given out for free at brothels back in Victorian times, go figure. The more you know!) But I've never heard of a dude taking a pill filled with Hippo snout and hyena eyes and going at it all night with the girl who gave it to him. (But maybe I should try it out with that one cute cheerleader who lives a few doors down, doesn't hurt to try).

The real aphrodisiac is a chemical called phenethylamine (That's a mouthful) and this is a natural aphrodisiac. This chemical can be ingested in different foods (not prunes) and functions as a Neurotransmitter in your brain to create the desires you get. This is also found naturally in chocolate.

So, melt a ton of chocolate, there. You've got yourself an aphrodisiac. Gives a new meaning to those white Jettas with the bumper sticker "Who needs men when we have chocolate". But if you have chocolate, doesn't that mean you need men right after chocolate to fulfill those needs?

And what about husbands? Are they being outmoded by chocolate? Well, next time you women find a hole in the drywall, just get a kitkat bar to take care of that for you. Next oil change, just take a baby ruth to Jiffy Lube and have him do it. I've gotten off topic, what was I talking about? Oh right, potions.

* * *

Now, the final potion that we muggles can try and make is a truth potion: Veritaserum.

This one is tough to find about in real life, and all my research turned up was a few shoddy spells that I didn't want to try out because they seemed like they would never be real. (I mean seriously, when am I going to chant things over somebody else's pubic hair, and where would I get that hair anyway?)

This one, oh man this one, is supposed to be real and working, but I will NEVER tell ANYONE to do it EVER! I am not such a big fan of this method, but I'll tell you the whole recipe and let you guys decide what it's like. And this sounds like it would be from a video game, but that would be one messed up video game, and I checked and it apparently is for real life.

Okay... one second, this is going to take a bit to write out.

lord help me.

* * *

Ingredients:

Five liters of baby tears that were unfiltered and collected without torture

seven ice fern leaves

one pristine claw, can be serrated, sharp, or similar. But not worn, broken, or dulled.

And the heart of a freshly slain, unjinxed, adult warrior. And the heart must be cut out by hand.

* * *

Instructions:

1: pour the baby tears into a cauldron and bring it to a boil

2: Crush the ice fern leaves and collect the compound oozing from them

3: Pulverize the pristine claw thoroughly

4: When the baby tears are boiling put both ingredients in and stir until vapor is clear.

5: Skim off thirteen spoonfuls of the mixture and feed it to the warrior who will provide the heart.

6: Reduce heat and leave to simmer while you chase the warrior around the arena for a few minutes before killing him (to make the potion course through his blood and reach the heart)

7: Kill him and immediately cut out the heart (otherwise the heart and potion will be weak)

8: Take a small bite of the heart to grant yourself immunity and add the heart to the simmering concoction in the cauldron

9: Bring it back to a boil and leave until the potion is at 200 milliliters.

10: Take out the heart and leave it on a meat tree to dry (Do not bury it, but let the birds pick it apart. If you bury it the truth will be buried with it) and allow the potion to cool

11: Strain the potion into an appropriate vial

12: put into somebody's drink and after they drink it they will always tell the truth.

* * *

The things I do for this... oh my God, the things I do. I did not test this out, and have no plans to. PLEASE DON'T DO THIS AS IT WILL REQUIRE MURDER TO COMPLETE!

I didn't cut anything out of that instruction list or ingredient list, I'm hoping to God that you don't ever do this. But if you do, tell me if it worked or not before you go to jail for murdering a person.

But hey, that's just a theory, A BOOK THEORY, thanks for reading.

* * *

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go order some chocolate and melt it into a potion and feed that potion to the pretty cheerleader who lives two doors down.


	3. Dementors absolutely suck!

The dementor bore down on Ron. It's raspy breath echoing throughout the long hallway he and Harry had run into thinking that there was ex-death eaters here. They were horribly wrong. Instead of death eaters they found a large group of dementors feeding on muggles.

They were forced to run. And when they ran they were apparently destined for bad luck that day, they were seperated and Ron lost his wand as he ran through a dark corridor. Hence the reason why he was running from the dementor. But to Ron's horror, as he looked back to make sure the dementor wasn't getting any closer, an unforeseen rock tripped him up. Ron plummeted head first into the ground, skidding for several feet and getting dazed as several other rocks hit his head.

When he was able to look up again, the dementor was floating above him, reaching back its cloak to reveal the horrendous face and the mouth it would administer the kiss with.

The dementor crouched down, and began its raspy breathing again to suck out Ron's soul. Ron flinched, preparing for the worst way to live life: soulless.

But nothing happened.

The dementor looked as surprised as Ron, then it looked up at Ron's hair. Ron followed its gaze to see a lock of red hair drift in front of his eyes, Ron smiled.

"Y'know what they say about gingers?" He asked the dementor, "They've got no souls."

* * *

Hello Internet, welcome to Book Theory. The only theory series on that is run by a ginger who has personal experience with being soulless. This week's theory: Are dementors really used in the way wizards think? Or are they only able to scare the crap out of me in the movie.

We need to know if dementors can really be used like they were in the books: as a source of punishment for lawbreakers. The punishment being: having your soul sucked out through what the wizards call the 'dementor's kiss'.

I for one do not want to kiss that insanity of a creature. But if you're into that kind of stuff, please tell me in the comments, that would be interesting to know.

Now, we are told in the third book that... let me find it... page 100? No. 150s? Nope. Chapter 12. That's the one! Now on page...246, Harry asks Lupin "What's under a dementor's hood?" To which Lupin says... y'know what I think I'll let you just read it straight from the book. Here you go.

* * *

-Until Harry voiced something he'd been wondering for a while.

"What's under a dementor's hood?"

Professor Lupin lowered his bottle thoughtfully.

"Hmmm... well, the only people who really know are in no condition to tell us. You see, the dementor lowers its hood only to use its last and worst weapon."

"What's that?"

"They call it the dementor's kiss," said Lupin, with a slightly twisted smile. "It's what dementors do to those they wish to destroy utterly. I suppose there must be some kind of mouth under there, because they clamp their jaws upon the mouth of the victim - and suck out his soul."

Harry accidentally spat out a bit of butterbeer.

"What - they kill -?"

"Oh no," said Lupin. "Much worse than that. You can exist without your soul, you know, as long as your brain and heart are still working. But you'll have no sense of self anymore, no memory, no . . . anything. There's no chance at all of recovery. You'll just - exist. As an empty shell. And your soul is gone forever . . . lost."

* * *

Yep, that's that. Coming straight from the guy who we first heard about dementors from.

He says that you'll live on, but you'll be an empty shell. Now, would we need that soul to continue on as a human, or is it unnecessary for us to stay the same?

When Snape shows a picture of a man without his soul in the seventh book it is shown that the man is slumped over and huddled up on the ground. Like he'd lost all control of his cognitive functions.

Now, don't think that the mind and soul are the same thing. The definition of a soul is: "The spiritual or immaterial part of a human being or animal." Which means that it is not physical, and can therefore not be part of the brain.

So by removing one's soul, you do not remove their motor functions or any other portion of the brain.

As that stands, another portion of the brain is the prefrontal cortex. Which is the area of the brain controlling long term and short term memory. In my well formed long term memory of the Harry Potter series, nowhere does it say that the dementors are basically glorified surgeons who remove your memory. Lupin says that you'll have no memory, but that would be impossible as the brain itself would not be damaged by a scary monster performing reverse CPR.

Another portion of the brain that would remain intact is the portion that matpat mentions in a recent FnAf 4 video, "FnAF 4 got it all wrong": The frontal lobe. The frontal lobe controls higher functions and conscious thought and decision making. The prefrontal lobe is a part of the frontal lobe, but specializes in memory. Unlike the victim of the bite of '87, however, the frontal lobe would not be damaged by a dementor or a crazed animatronic from my nightmares.

Like Lupin says: "they clamp their jaws upon the mouth of the victim - and suck out his soul". They don't damage the brain.

And your personality, the "self" Lupin mentioned in his little speech on soul-sucking, is also controlled by that all important frontal lobe. Because your personality is an offset of your higher functions and memories that fashioned you into what you are now: personality relies on the frontal lobe.

Like Game Theory did: look at Phineas Gage. He got his entire frontal lobe absolutely demolished, and if I can actually quote Game Theory here: "The once hard working and loving Phineas becoming impatient and unpredictable as the bar had destroyed the portion of his brain responsible for inhibition. People who knew him described him as 'No longer Gage'.

That man's personality was altered and demolished from what it was. But he never had no personality, he was different yes, but he still had a personality. It was drastically changed, but never once did he leave his sense of self. Therefore, even if the frontal lobe was destroyed, you would still retain a sense of self.

* * *

And I guess that pretty much settles it. Dementors can't do anything to you because they don't take away the part of your brain that actually controls what happens to you. Sure, they can magically take away the soul, but your soul is about your "spiritual or immaterial portion", taking it away might take away your spirituality... but it wouldn't take you away.

But what if the dementors actually harmed the portions of the brain that would remove your personality and sense of self. That actually could make you into a hollow shell. Well, that would require the dementor to destroy every single part of the brain except for the brain stem.

That would require extreme precision, and no doubt there would be magic involved. But for sucking out the soul: the dementors don't do anything.

But hey, that's just a theory, a Book Theory, thanks for watching!

* * *

And I'm going to rip MatPat's Game Theory off even more and include the SUPER AMAZING END CARD TOURNAMENT!

It's going to be all Harry Potter themed, so here we go!

The first End Card tournament is going to start off super messed up: If you could bring back a character from death, would you save Fred Weasley from being blown up at the Battle For Hogwarts, or Dobby from the silver knife of Bellatrix Lestrange.

Come on over to my profile page and vote on the poll, or drop a comment saying which one you would save. Fred or Dobby.


End file.
